Speed of different procedural language

I have a few small functions which I need to write.  They will be hopefully
quick running but will happen on almost every delete, insert and update on
my database (for audit purposes).

I know I should be writing these in C but that's a bit beyond me.  I was
going to try PL/Python or PL/Perl or even PL/Ruby.  Has anyone any idea
which language is fastest, or is the data access going to swamp the overhead
of small functions?

Thanks,

Ben